Your Type 2 children will relax and whine less when you do these:
What does your Type 2 child need from you that they’re not getting? With just a little effort applied, you can have huge returns in your relationship with your child, while boosting their cooperation and well-being.
In this episode, Carol and Anne share two subtle shifts that make parenting easier and your Type 2 child’s life more comfortable.
This Episode’s Parenting Practice
Listen to this episode for the 2 subtle shifts to make your relationship with your Type 2 child more comfortable. What personal a-has did you have while listening? And what can you start doing today that you’re not to create more trust and rapport with your Type 2 child?
Transcript of podcast episode
Carol: Welcome to The Child Whisperer Podcast. I’m your host, Carol Tuttle, author of the best-selling parenting book, The Child Whisperer. I’m with my co-host, Anne Tuttle Brown.
Do you have a Type 2 child? These two basic, simple things that you can do on a daily basis will create a close and loving relationship. Your Type 2 child needs to feel safe with you and that they can open up with you. That’s not easily done for a Type 2.
Anne, what is the primary need for a Type 2 child? I wish I had known this with you, quite honestly. I have two Type 2 children and I see now how this would’ve gone a long way with a little effort. So again, we’re talking about little effort applied, huge returns and your child being cooperative and really easy to get along with.
Anne: We are going back to the basics with this podcast and we’re starting right at the beginning of the Type 2 section in The Child Whisperer book. Type 2 is this sensitive child and an under that are listed three things. We have, first, primary connection to the world for a Type 2 is emotional. The primary movement is subtle and flowing and the primary need, which we’re going to reference and expand on, is to have feelings honored and everyone in the family feel loved and connected. That could be a big job as a parent.
Carol: That’s a big job. If that’s a primary need for a Type 2 child, when there’s a rift in the family, contention, parents arguing, you’re aware of it. You’re very aware things are not smooth, pleasant, connected.
Anne: And you’re often thinking, “What did I do to contribute to this? What is my role in this? Is this my fault? How can I make things better?”
Carol: You’ll then want to have more understanding. So you’ll assume a lot of things, again, like you said, place that burden upon yourself, which isn’t the burden of a child. And you’ll then make the subtle efforts to try and get everyone connected. And that’s just not…it becomes a life pattern for a lot of Type 2s then.
Anne: Yeah, definitely. So I mean, it doesn’t mean just create peace and harmony in your family and hope that no one ever has an argument. It means create an open space for feelings to be shared because there will be arguments or, you know, some contention that’s just normal life. So your Type 2 child will be more open and feel safe with you when you can talk and share feelings.
Carol: And reassure them. Reassurance is a huge, huge experience.
Anne: That doesn’t mean, there’s something that’s going on between you and your spouse. You don’t have to get into the details of it with your child. Just be reassuring like, “I’m fine,” or, “I’m going to figure it out.”
Carol: “Mom and Dad are working out things. We love you.”
Anne: I think that would’ve gone a long way because I know like growing up you dealt with a lot of stuff and I was like, “What can I do to help, Mom?” I think at one point I remember you saying this and I had to repeat that to myself. “I’m in charge of my feelings. You’re not in charge of my feelings. I’m taking care of this. Don’t worry. That was very reassuring.”
Carol: Good. I’m glad I got that one right. The Type 2 child has a unique connection with the world that they’re very…what has become a popular phrase, although any person can be this, they do have a natural gift to be empathic, meaning they will pick up on feelings very quickly. And they have their own experience of feelings.
And what will happen if there’s so much going on in the family that feels chaotic or contemptuous or there’s just not room to really share yourself, it’s like life’s just not harmonious and flowing and calm, they will put their feelings aside. See? You’ll feel like, “Well, I don’t want to add to this. I don’t want to make things anymore…
Anne: Start to stuff it in.
Carol: Right, right. So you’ll now shut down a very strong attribute that you’re meant to serve the world with, which is your sensitivity. You start to oppose it and hold everything in. And so you don’t want your child to learn that as a life pattern. Believe me, we’ve seen this a lot in the adult world of Energy Profiling, especially in our stereotypes of boys thinking they have to be a little tougher and not emotional.
And what might happen also as the other side of it is they might become more…they could be processing for the family. They could be running all the emotion and they’re the difficult child now. They’re upset a lot. They’re easily brought to tears. They’re feeling nervous a lot. There’s just a lot going through their system.
Anne: They’re getting sick and complaining, trying to get attention in that way. A thought came to mind. My Type 2, three-year-old the other day said, “Can you still be brave and cry?”
Carol: Oh, that’s so sweet, and a cute little boy. He is the sweetest little boy. I’m like, “Ohh.”
Anne: And I reassured him, “Yes, you can,” that tears and crying are not signs of weakness.
Carol: I love that.
Anne: That you can still process those emotions and be brave and strong. So some phrases to use when your children are sharing their feelings or to support them in opening up would be, “Your feelings are important. You can feel whatever you are feeling and share your feelings with me at any time.” And then when they do open up even saying, “Tell me more.”
Carol: This is the golden nugget phrase.
Anne: Oh, yes. And this can be used not even only when sharing feelings, but when telling stories. “Tell me more, tell me more.” And your child would be like, “Really?” “Yes. Tell me more. I want to know every, every little detail.”
Carol: I love it.
Anne: Kind of play with that, see where that goes because honestly, Type 2 children can talk and ask and you know, just keep… My little Type 2 is a talker. He’s very chatty.
Carol: He’s very chatty.
Anne: And he’s always asking questions.
Carol: He has a lot of questions.
Anne: And he wants to know and he’s observant and… You know, there’s a balance because we’ve also given the advice of saying, “You get one more question and you can, kind of, play with this.”
Carol: There is different places and time and I think I’m going to try that on him, “Ask me more questions, Sam. I love your questions.”
Anne: Tell me more, yes. Also, avoid judging their feelings as inappropriate or weak.
Carol: When a Type 2 child is expressing their feelings, they’re in process of allowing it to come into balance. Trust that. It’s just the— Humans just want to be validated for their feelings. When that happens in your childhood, it, kind of, gets worked out.
Anne: Yeah, and we’ve talked a lot about the validating. So like they share all those feelings and then maybe you’re thinking, “Oh no, what do I have to do to, like, now fix this?” Know that that process of sharing the feelings is creating the correction and it’s creating that space for their feelings to feel heard and then they will feel loved and supported by you.
Let’s move to the primary movement, which is subtle and flowing and a tip we want to give today is to create the space for them to move through their process at their own time.
Carol: We’ve got more Child Whisperer coming up right after this brief message.
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Anne: Let’s now move to the primary movement for Type 2, which is subtle and flowing. It has a more methodical pace, may move a little bit slower. So the tip here is to create the space for them to move according to their natural movement. And check in periodically rather, than trying to push them to move faster or to push them to get it done.
Carol: I just had a thought. If your child is a little bit older and you’ve learned that they’re a Type 2, maybe they’re further along in grades, let’s say 8, 9, 10 and up or teenager. And I’ll hear from parents of Type 2 children, “But they put it off.” Well, consider the possibility that there was a pattern that preceded you having this knowledge, which is you pushed them. So now, they’ll put things off till they feel they have to be pushed. And that’s just something they’re not used to things flowing in a methodical manner.
The habit is, and that’s where subconsciously they’re procrastinating till they get to that push energy because it’s been ingrained in them. You have to push to get something done. And so that’s an approach where you would sit down. A child in that age group is old enough to just acknowledge, “You know, I’ve contributed to this tendency and you have a gift for being able to create the plan you need and work through things in a pace that works for you. I want to support you in that.”
Let them know they have this benefit and they may not have tapped into it due to some previous parenting approaches that set up this pattern.
Anne: And also just like life scenarios. Like, “Oh, I’ve got to get that done now.” You know, like the timeline may push you. I’ve experienced that in my life where I’ve had to work backward thinking, “I don’t want to live in that rush pace.” So, I need to create more time for myself, whether it’s getting ready in the morning or it’s getting a project done. I need to look and look at the whole flow of it and create a more flowing plan. So I’m not just giving myself a shorter amount of time than rushing through it because that’ll just make me agitated and anxious.
Carol: Talk to your children. I think it’s so common for parents to just repair it from a place of advisory or fixing things or telling children what to do rather than sitting, even children that are five and six to sit down with them and say, “Here’s the scenario, let’s work it out. Let’s work together.”
Acknowledge their gifts. Remind them who they are. They’re learning this about themselves. They aren’t born with a conscious knowledge of it. They’re born with the natural movement of it, but not a conscious reference to it.
Anne: And a very good phrase to use along this process would be, “Is there anything I can support you with?”
Carol: Rather than telling them just to get it done. Correct. I agree with that one 100%.
Anne: And obviously if it doesn’t happen, like the natural consequences will be the greatest teachers. So your parenting practice for this week is what a-has did you have while listening? And what is something you can start doing today that you’re not or phrase you can start using to create more trust and rapport with your Type 2 child?
Carol: Thanks for listening. For more support, go to thechildwhisperer.com where you can purchase the book, subscribe to our weekly parenting practice email, and find a transcription and audio of “The Child Whisperer” podcast.
Anne: If you’re listening on iTunes, thank you for leaving a review. If you have a parenting question, please send it to [email protected].