“She’s Just Shy…” It’s an Easy Label to Give Her
In social situations, she hesitates. In public, she’s rarely the first to engage. Even though she’s an amazing girl at home, other people don’t know that because she’s so quiet.
If you’ve ever worried that your daughter won’t put herself out there, I’m here to reassure you.
Some children are naturally more soft-spoken, while others are loud and outgoing. In The Child Whisperer, I describe these unique qualities as the 4 Types of children.
Let’s focus on the Type 2 Sensitive Child, who’s often mislabeled as “shy.”
Your sensitive daughter expresses a gentler, more reserved quality in her thoughts, actions, and body language. She needs time to warm up to new people or situations. If she’s pushed too quickly, it can backfire.
You don’t need to coax your daughter out of her shell. Instead, use these 4 insights to support her natural tendencies, and watch her thrive just as she is.
1. She Needs Time and Space to Hesitate
A sensitive child gathers information before acting, which can clash with messages like “stop being timid” or “just go for it.” While it’s true she won’t get anywhere if she never acts, she’ll be much more confident taking steps from a place of inner readiness.
TIP: Suggest that she sit quietly with a decision before she acts on it. If she does, she will make the better choice. Every time. Not because sitting quietly is the best way for everyone to make decisions—but because it’s the best way for her.
2. She Has a Quieter Voice—and That’s Okay
The Type 2 Sensitive girl usually thinks before speaking. Sometimes she waits so long that the moment passes. Add to that her naturally quiet voice, and she may feel incapable of being heard. If those tendencies get out of balance, she may start to believe that she has to get upset to be heard. She will pick verbal fights or create emotional meltdowns, just to make people hear her.
TIP: Listen to her. Invite her to share. Help her find familiar people and comfortable spaces where she can speak freely. And then remind her to speak in her unique way. (She may find her voice in surprising places. She might not ever like small talk, but she may shine in more organized spaces: in front of a classroom, behind a microphone, or on a stage. Don’t dismiss the possibilities.)
3. She’s Likely a Great Listener—But She May Not Always Want to Be
Quiet girls are often assumed to be good listeners. But sometimes, she may not want to listen—she may wish others would listen to her as much as she listens to them. It’s perfectly valid for her to want her own voice to be heard.
TIP: Help her recognize that her ability to listen is a gift. Everyone in the world is looking for someone to see them for who they are. When she listens, she connects with others in a meaningful way, deeper than small talk will ever take her. True listening is often the best step to being truly heard.
4. She May Worry Often and Simply Needs Reassurance
The Sensitive Type 2 Child has a tendency to worry, more than any other Type of child. She may compare herself to others who seem louder, more outgoing, and more spontaneous. She might worry that something is wrong with her or that she will be left behind.
TIP: Don’t call her “shy.” Shyness is not a label a girl aspires to, and so the word is wounding. By calling her shy, you say that her quieter way is something to fix or change. She needs to know her sensitive nature is a strength. Give her more accurate words that help her be gentle to herself: mindful, thoughtful, detailed.
Above All, Reassure Her of Her Value
What you say to your daughter—and about her—will shape her self-image for years to come. Be mindful of the labels you use, even unintentionally.
She’s not shy. She’s simply herself. Let her know there’s nobody you’d rather have her be.
Are you parenting a Type 2 daughter? If so, go back and review the Type 2 section in The Child Whisperer book from time to time. If you don’t know which Type of child you’re parenting, pick up a copy of The Child Whisperer. You’ll learn how to read your child more clearly and create more cooperation and happiness in your home.
